Office Survival Guide: The Dougie
So this past weekend I was at a party hosted by my grad school program. It was typical fare for an open-bar mixed crowd event. Heavy on drinking, conversation, and awkward shuffling to out-of-date rap songs (Nelly was played more than once) and Katy Perry/Ke$ha. The other 3-4 black students and I made our typical cluster and laughed at all the stiffness of the other folks. Then the unthinkable happened: Someone requested “Teach Me How To Dougie.”
Of course all the Black people had the collective “oh shit” gasp and face. Of course we all loved the song and knew the dance, and of course it was kind of old news to us, and we all shared the reluctance to show out and let our “ethnicity” show in front of all those people. I got caught at a club by my classmates once while getting twerked on for real. The next week EVERYONE had something to say. Clearly, this was a risky situation. However, while deliberating what our course of action would be, someone walked up to us and said “I can dougie better than you.” I was a bit drunk, and I wasn’t about to be challenged by some rhythmless fool. So I hit the dance, for real. Like I was really getting it. Just imagine that this guy is me:
Yeah, I killed it. When the song went off I realized everyone was staring at me. Mouths agape. I had become the Black Jesus.
People were giving me drinks and proclaiming me the best dancer ever. Everyone was talking to me. Someone stopped to video tape it. Many people asked me to teach them. All over a relatively simple dance. This isn’t a new thing. I’ve been the life at a party several times from the strength of a good dougie alone. Once I was made honorary DJ of a club around here. It’s that serious.
Based on these occurrences, I have surmised that the Dougie is another weapon in the arsenal of Black subversion. It allows you power and temporary celebrity at mixed-crowd parties. Although it is not hard to do, even a mediocre dougie will suffice, because white people simply cannot do the dougie, and I am not sure why. One day I’m going to be famous enough to re-publish the “Bell Curve” report word for word. I’ll have a one-page rebuttal at the end that just reads, “Yeah, but can you dougie though?” This is what happens when white folks dougie.
That, my friends, is a travesty. Use the powers of the Dougie for good, or at least for a few drinks.