The Secret Weapon


Say you are in a restaurant with friends and some asshole is sitting alone at a booth when there are single seats available. Or that you want to sit with two friends in the movies and that one asshole chick is sitting in the middle of the only three adjacent seats – with no one around her – with the perfect look of smugness.

Fuck off, I'm saving these for my friends

Or say you are being ignored. Like in a car lot where the asshole salesperson doesn’t think you have the means to buy one of his “luxury” Toyata Priuses (Prii?). In situations like these, our people have one special weapon and ability that we can use to our advantage. We have honed it and developed it since slavery, and in the right hands it can make people of any race quiver and leave. However, in the wrong hands it can turn you into a Ninja or Troll, and it is not a technique advisable to anyone with other viable options. It is the secret weapon. It is the “N-bomb.”

The N-bomb is the most powerful in our arsenal of Making White People Uncomfortable (funny because it’s also the most powerful in their arsenal of Making Black People Angry). The unique circumstances surrounding the word, as it has been defined as an expletive only socially usable by black folk, mean that it can be used around white folks with no hope of response. If any non-black person actually responds with “nigga” or “nigger” or even uses it in a conversation about how they don’t use it (right), then they have rightfully gained the fire and brimstone of any black person in the vicinity, and perhaps an ass-whooping. It’s not fair. It is a double standard, I know. White folks should have a word that they won’t get in trouble for saying in whites only company too! (Funny because they do, and the word is “nigger.”) Black people get to have all the fun with extra expletives! Yeah that’s all true; advantage black folks. We now have sports and curse words. We’ll trade you the rights to both of those for 250 years of unpaid hard labor.

Never Image Search for "white slave" without SafeSearch on

Back to the topic, the N-bomb is your weapon. That asshole hogging the booth? Just stand by him with your friends. Use “nigga” liberally in your conversation. Make sure you’re loud. Guaranteed he’ll turn red-faced and leave in a matter of minutes. The car dealer or the snobby clerk at Neiman who won’t help you because he thinks you want to ask about layaway? Just stand close. Start a fake conversation on the phone and unleash N-bombs liberally. He’ll HAVE to pay attention to you then. In even more extreme circumstances, you can actually call the offender a “nigga.” This will usually be followed by the Mike Myers face we looked at before and COMPLETE attention on whatever you have to say.

Any occasion we have to use this is a good occasion

Like I said, be careful. This is only for emergencies. Ignorance is (almost) never the answer. But sometimes, you gotta make things happen, right? Just don’t be a troll, please.

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