Tiger Tiger Woods Yall!
Alright, that was a poor start, but I had to get that off my chest. I’ve hated the Masters since my dad taught me to as a kid. It’s not a secret that the Augusta National Golf Club is THE good ole (white) boys’ club. The place where the “genteel Southern culture” stereotype is held to the utmost. They don’t allow women, and they didn’t allow blacks to even touch the course until 1975. Tiger Woods still hasn’t come close to being installed as a full member with voting privileges. Yeah, that Tiger Woods, the one who made a billion dollars beating all the other best players in the universe. He isn’t even considered worthy enough, even as a champion, to stay overnight in the Augusta National facilities. The KLAN even rallies in support of their membership criteria.
Look, I know that all of golf is a pretty exclusive culture in itself, and that elements of racism exist in all country club culture, especially in the South. But something about the Masters brings that more to mind than anything else. Perhaps because it is considered the most prestigious and is simultaneously the most exclusive. Perhaps because it’s called the goddamn MASTERS.
Well enter Tiger Woods. He’s coming back from a intense fuckathon which alienated most of his followers. Even though he had already put off a few black folks by publically claiming he was not Black, but Cannabilanisaiasin or whatever, and additionally put off a few more with his fairly exclusive taste in pasty white waitresses, most of Black America stuck with the guy. We love seeing our guys beat the Man in his own sports. And very few sports represent The Man better than golf.
Every time Tiger tees at a tour event and is in contention on Sundays, black folks who wouldn’t know a wedge from an iron and don’t understand why people suck so bad that they have negative scores all get together and cheer for Tiger. We just want the ball to go in the hole. We want him to win and fist pump and go smash some more of the Country Club owners’ wives. And maybe dougie once or twice. Sunday, Tiger didn’t win but he was back in good form and had all of us rooting again. Black America doesn’t come together for very many things, and I think Tiger is good for that. He’s good for the game as well, if not for the owners at the top. Hopefully he’ll inspire some more black kids to go and swag on golf courses all over the world. Then, in the next step in world domination we can go for hockey and NASCAR!
But really, thanks for being good again Tiger. We missed you.
And there’s always this: