Five things black folk should NOT put on the new Facebook

Social media was perhaps the defining element of the first ten years of the twentieth century. Facebook came along in 2004 and changed the game. Quickly displacing older sites like Black Planet [you remember it, you had one in middle school] and MySpace, right now it claims somewhere around 800 million users. That’s 800 million people who chronicle their lives and share it with friends. It is an essential element of the modern college experience. Then twitter came along. Toward the end of my tenure in College, Twitter swept the campus. Micro-blogging was thus presented to the masses. Where was Facebook? Wallowing in a cesspool of Mafia Wars and Farmville invites. Many said it was becoming less and less relevant by the month.

Then along came “Timeline”

If you haven’t checked it out yet, you should. This has been in the works for a while, and after messing around with it today, I can tell you, it’s pretty amazing. I’ve spent more time on Facebook today then I have in past 6 months combined. But with great power comes great responsibility. Black people have been known for ruining even the best things.

Ya'll remember what happened when they had that family reunion in the Superdome that one time.

Ya'll remember what happened when they had that family reunion in the Superdome that one time.

Alright, maybe that was too soon.

Either way, Facebook’s new Timeline feature is an utter revamp of the interface and design of Facebook. Never has chronological organization looked so cool. It presents the pictures, events and status updates [you remember these, they’re what you did before you had a Twitter account]. But let us not abuse the latest technological creation brought to you by the White man’s magic. What follows are the top five things Black folk should leave off their Timeline.

1. Mirror Pics

A moment of silence for this woman's offspring

Yeah. Find a good friend and just have them take your picture. This has literally been done for centuries. We know you just upgraded from the Nokia with the green screen and you are absolutely in love with your new .5 megapixel cellphone camera. You put on your best pair of target panties and got up on the counter. Ya’ll gotta chill with this. This may be the biggest obstacle preventing Black people from rising up and overcoming.

2. Jordan Heel Advertisements

Didn't know Nike made pumps.

Martin Luther King didn’t march and get hit in the head with various objects for this. The Jordan brand has made one black man a billionaire and the rest of the young black men in America impoverished. The lines at the Footaction in the hood the day the new “sevens” come out be looking like the March on Washington. I will immediately wish nothing but the worst upon you and those of your ilk if I ever see these on your Timeline. Ladies, we understand that you might want to fuse the best elements of a cotillion and game of H.O.R.S.E. in this miscarriage of footwear, but trust us: this shit aint never been fly and never will.

3. Pictures of your newborn

Now without hurting anyone’s feelings, I’ll just say that taking a pictures of your children mere minutes out of the cervix is not the way you want to introduce them to the world. I’m certain that 87% of people are ugly newborns. Correction: 92%. The miracle of birth that is your Child is best left to the private viewing of you and yours. Wait for the doctors to wipe off the placenta residue before you whip out that Coolpix. Chill. Take a breath. Let your child’s entry onto social media be at a Kindergarten Christmas play or something.

4. Any post or update where you use hood-ass abbreviations

She needs Jesus and Hooked on Phonics.

Man. D0 U have 4ny idea h0w fucking hard it is f0r some1 w/a ModiCum of intelligence and literacy 2 read the shit u write when it is written lik dis? Please spare us. They no longer charge by the character. If you have so little time to spare that would necessitate abbreviating, perhaps your attention is best served doing the thing that is more pressing.

5. You holding money . . . or drugs . . . or guns . . . or some combination of money, guns, or drugs.

Racks on Racks on Racks

[Sigh] I guess it could be worse. It could be drugs. But then again, if you’re gonna flaunt money, please let it be more than seventeen dollars.

Facebook is a wonderful medium for sharing your life experiences with your friends and possibly a limited number of your relatives who are under the age of 35. But it must be used wisely. Together, as a people, we can help each other. If you see any of your friends committing any of these cardinal sins of social media, please promptly remove them from the paint. With the advent of Timeline, sharing has never looked better. Try not to mess it up.


Tell Us What You Think:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: