The Amazing Mr. Booker

Artist's rendition

At this point, the legend of Cory Booker is getting a bit far-fetched. This guy played D-1 Football at Stanford, studied at Oxford as a Rhodes Scholar, got his JD from Yale (where he set up legal clinics for poor Black folks and was a Big Brother), and at the age of 36 became the mayor of Newark, NJ, which has cut gun crime in half and reduced expenditures under his tenure. He’s been on the Board of Trustees at Columbia and Stanford and was on the Executive Committee of Yale. He has been the subject of many assassination plots from local gangs but continues to walk the streets alone, unarmed. He was a major campaigner for Obama, and turned down a spot in the Cabinet to continue his term as mayor. When the state politicians left for vacation in late 2010 and the Snowpocalypse hit, instead of staying and waiting to be dug out, Cory Booker instead took to manning a plow HIMSELF and digging out residents who tweeted him, one at a time.

Because that’s just what badasses do, damnit.

No gloves, like a BOSS

I mean what else can the man do to prove his awesomeness? With all due respect to Barack Obama, his assistant Reggie Love, and myself, Cory Booker has to be the coolest guy walking around. Hell, he’s on equal footing with the Most Interesting Man in the World, and he’s fictional. He’s Black Chuck Norris. He can divide by zero. And he’s 10 years younger than my dad. My life is kinda…..lame in comparison.

So what else could the man do but run into a burning house last night to save a woman? It completely fits with the vision of this Black Übermensch that he’s cultivated so far. He’s described as having been trapped in the burning kitchen but PUNCHING THROUGH the debris to get out. He suffered and shrugged off second-degree burns in the process, but of course none of the injuries that caused him to be hospitalized yesterday stopped him from coming to work today. I’ve called out sick for BURNING MY TONGUE ON COFFEE once.  Booker calls it his “Come to Jesus” moment.

I call it something different. I think today is the day that we finally realize Booker’s secret: that he is either a Terminator reprogrammed from his original mission to kill us all, or that he is a superhero with legitimate superpowers. Nobody punches their way out of a burning home while carrying women to safety. Especially not Rhodes Scholars.

This guy is a Rhodes Scholar. Does he look like he could even punch his way out of a walk-in closet?

All I know is we need to be watching this guy more carefully. We’re onto you, Cory.

Also, he’s going to be President one day, so watch out for that.

5 Responses to “The Amazing Mr. Booker”
  1. Sean C. says:

    President 2016. Running Mate, Barack Obama. Even though I’m sure that’s illegal, it’s Cory Booker and he can do what he wants.

  2. Susan Benton says:

    Cory Booker has done his Superman act once too often – we are on to you Cory. And just how is it that the press is always there? Hmmm – fortunately they also discovered he had put the teen-age son of CNN head Jeff Zucker on the board of Waywire, and if you go to you will soon wonder if you haven’t wandered onto the video site of the Democrat National Party. And then there is the tattooed stripper he Tweets, and the fact that he lived in government houses (was that to gain street creds?) despite the fact that he made 6 figures as a lawyer with a Yale degree. This guy has got opportunist written all over him – the last thing we need in Washington is another opportunist. SO if you are in New Jersey, vote on October 6, but not for this guy – he is so shady he makes a forest look sunny.

  3. lmorland says:

    I’m sorry that you’ve received so few *genuine* responses to this wonderfully well-written piece. Your life may be “lame” in comparison to Cory Booker’s… but you’ve got pretty much the whole world for company.

    I’m looking forward to reading more of your wit.

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  1. […] racist and to how Black folks who bring up race are the real problem? Although we wrote about amazing politicians like Cory Booker, it seems like the easiest path to prominence is West/Cain style idiocy. I was reading a profoundly […]

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